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The Day I Met My Son

Many years ago in a not so far away land I made a decision with my then husband. A decision that would haunt me for so many years. A decision that would me awake at night and gnaw at my inner self. It was a decision that made me cry ever day and every night I did it for the love of my child and the love of my other children.

I was but only 22 years old with 2 kids. Then I learned I was pregnant again. At the time of this pregnancy my family was in financial difficulties and we could barely feed the kids. My husband and I were eating crackers for meals and letting the kids eat the good food. I was not ready for this child. There was no way I could handle the stress or the money situation at the time

I remember picking up the phone and thinking there is no way I can do this. Then I thought there is no way I can not do this. I placed a call that haunted me for many years and torn at my heart. I agreed to give away one of the most wonderful gifts I would ever have.

Nine months later I lay in a delivering room listening to my son cry. Knowing that if I looked at him I could never give him away. The next day signing my son away without ever looking at him or holding him. I wanted to hold him and tell him I loved him and I was sorry that I had to give him away. But I could not not do it there was no other way. My most precious baby was given to a complete stranger and I was expected to trust that I had made the  right decision one that I could live with.

 

 

continued………………………………

Sometimes

Sometimes the sadness just grips me

I don’t even know why I am sad

I feel the anger creeping up on me

I feel the regret catching up to me

The mistakes I made before

hanging there in mid air

Waiting to land

Dread pushing it’s way overhead

Doom causing me to cling

Cling to a hope I can only see

Seeing a small light at the end of the tunnel

A small tunnel only I can see

Clinging to the hope of getting out

Getting out of the tunnel and clinging

to the hope of hope

Missing You BigBrother

Today is your birthday, what a day it would have been. 

Just to tease you about how old you are getting

I miss you so much. I thought I was growing

used to the ideal of not having you around.

I feel so bad because I forgot it was your birthday

Then I saw the date it was so big looming before me

I realized what it was and thought just another day.

Then the tears started sliding down my face.

I thought why am I crying I have’nt cried in years

I thought I was all better but today I miss you more than

I have in years. There was no one else like you in the world.

You did the best job a big brother could ever do.

I hate the day God took you it was one of the worst days 

of my life. I know crying won’t bring you back if it would

you would have been here along time ago. I love you Donnie and 

one day we will be together and I will once again see your smiling face

I will hear your annoying laughter that used to drive me crazy. 

That now I crave to hear. I miss you so.

 

 

 

 

Rhymes

When nothing rhymes

I could sit here and rack my head

But jumbles come up instead

I know the words are there

But I can’t rhyme them I swear

That’s when I put down my pen

And come back later to try again

Sooner or later I finally find

The right words in my mind

So I put them down on paper

Before they start to disappear or taper

So you see I now know how

That’s what I did just now.

Will I Ever

Will I ever wake up to say

Can I go out to play 

Will I ever crawl in your arms

kept away from all harms

Will I ever see the sunlight

or watch the stars at night

Will I ever feel the raindrops fall from the sky

or make a mud pie

Will I ever make an angel in the snow

or watch a flower grow 

Will I ever hear you call my name

Or I to you do the same

Will you give me a try 

Or let me die?

 

 

A poem I wrote years ago

 

Let Sleeping Dogs Lie

I wake up and I have so many thoughts in my head. Will I have enough gas to get to work? Why do I still work at that place? What am I going to eat for lunch? Am I ever going to live comfortably? What is this damn dog going to get into today? Why won’t this damn dog leave me alone and let me sleep another hour or so. Why does this dog shut the door so much? Why can’t she shut the door when other people are looking? No one believes she can shut the door. Why do I keep getting a cold? Why can’t I breathe good? Too much thought and so little time to relax the brain.Why did I divorce my husband?

I know the answer to a couple of these questions. Yes I will have enough gas , yes I will have fajitas for lunch. I divorced my husband because he was an ass. HE threatened to take my kids if I did not sign over everything to him.I am so happy without him. I also did a good job alone with my children. All are grown and doing good.

Now as to the dog she is a pain but I love her. Why she insist on waking me up I still don’t know. Why she shuts the door just when I’m looking I don’t know. That is something I will work on. She is so smart and I want everyone to see. Maybe she doesn’t want anyone to see. What is my dog doing now you wonder. Well lets just say Let Sleeping Dogs Lie.

I Used To Be

I used to be timid 

I used to be afraid

everywhere I looked I was scared

it took me days to make a move

It took me years to break free

Now that I am 

I am no longer timid or afraid

I know longer am scared

I can now roam freely

Living in blissful wonder 

of all that the world has to offer me.