Many years ago in a not so far away land I made a decision with my then husband. A decision that would haunt me for so many years. A decision that would me awake at night and gnaw at my inner self. It was a decision that made me cry ever day and every night I did it for the love of my child and the love of my other children.
I was but only 22 years old with 2 kids. Then I learned I was pregnant again. At the time of this pregnancy my family was in financial difficulties and we could barely feed the kids. My husband and I were eating crackers for meals and letting the kids eat the good food. I was not ready for this child. There was no way I could handle the stress or the money situation at the time
I remember picking up the phone and thinking there is no way I can do this. Then I thought there is no way I can not do this. I placed a call that haunted me for many years and torn at my heart. I agreed to give away one of the most wonderful gifts I would ever have.
Nine months later I lay in a delivering room listening to my son cry. Knowing that if I looked at him I could never give him away. The next day signing my son away without ever looking at him or holding him. I wanted to hold him and tell him I loved him and I was sorry that I had to give him away. But I could not not do it there was no other way. My most precious baby was given to a complete stranger and I was expected to trust that I had made the right decision one that I could live with.
I wake up and I have so many thoughts in my head. Will I have enough gas to get to work? Why do I still work at that place? What am I going to eat for lunch? Am I ever going to live comfortably? What is this damn dog going to get into today? Why won’t this damn dog leave me alone and let me sleep another hour or so. Why does this dog shut the door so much? Why can’t she shut the door when other people are looking? No one believes she can shut the door. Why do I keep getting a cold? Why can’t I breathe good? Too much thought and so little time to relax the brain.Why did I divorce my husband?
I know the answer to a couple of these questions. Yes I will have enough gas , yes I will have fajitas for lunch. I divorced my husband because he was an ass. HE threatened to take my kids if I did not sign over everything to him.I am so happy without him. I also did a good job alone with my children. All are grown and doing good.
Now as to the dog she is a pain but I love her. Why she insist on waking me up I still don’t know. Why she shuts the door just when I’m looking I don’t know. That is something I will work on. She is so smart and I want everyone to see. Maybe she doesn’t want anyone to see. What is my dog doing now you wonder. Well lets just say Let Sleeping Dogs Lie.